ILUHDATSHIT

I was outside my house on a snowy winter night having a cigarette. A Marlboro menthol if i’m not mistaking. Usually when I smoke downstairs, its because its either too fucking cold, or I just want to ponder at the street and think about all the good and bad things that happened to me. I stand there in my basketball shorts when a taxi cab drives up to my house. It slows down and eventually comes to a full stop. I get really anxious. I start to think that the cab was here to kill me. Like a drive by of sort. Im sorry I didn’t tip you more that 15 percent mister, I really am. The car drives off.  As I finish clearing out my bowels, I think to myself. Who the fuck could that have been, and why did he stop in front of my house. Mind you, this smoke break was between episodes of Dexter season 2. Intense shit man.  I may have been thinking too much of it, and yes I may be over exaggerating, but who am I to decide.

This scene is all to familiar. If you would be so kind to refer to http://iluhdatshit.com/2009/11/21/malik/ , I wrote about an instance with this cab driver who was indeed the nicest man I have met in New York. Read that to get some schema.

Anyways, I continue on with my night of watching Dexter and contemplating if I should start killing people.

The next day, I was waken up by a phone call at 11:46 AM. Now if you know me, im not going to answer that shit unless a) you are a beautiful girl who may sleep with me b) a person offering me a job c) my roommates d) Justin Bieber.  So if you don’t fall into any of those categories, then im sorry but you’ll MAYBE get a call back when I wake up from my slumber.

So I wake up and look at my phone to see who it is. And behold the almighty name that for some reason made me panic, worry, and excited all at the same time. Malik.

Do I answer? What does he have to say to me at 11am. What if  he has the answer to life and wants to share it with me. What if he has money to give me.

I didn’t answer.

I haven’t spoken to him since ThanksGiving. He was kind enough to call me Thanksgiving day and greet me and have a short conversation with me. I cut him short because I was busy sleeping.

But, he did greet me and I thank him for that.

But now back to the problem at hand. I didn’t answer. Why? I don’t know. Its like when you buy a scratcher, and it says only scratch off 2 spots or else void. Its like that, except I just didn’t scratch anything. I left it all to mystery, its better that way.

Usually I try no to worry about the possibilities. But what did he want? Was it just another call to say hello, how are you doing? Or was it to tell me something important. Was he that cab that stopped in front of my house? Did he have a gun pointed at me? Why the fuck would he have a gun pointed at me?

Either way curiosity killed the giraffe. And i’ll leave it at that.

Besides this story I had to write, Valentines day is officially the loneliest day in the world. Except mine wasn’t that lonely. Spent it at work, with a friend . Had some great drinks and some GREAT talks. Twas a  great night. Still depressing as fuck when you see so  many couples in love walking down the street. Hand in hand, arm in arm. Said it before and will say it again. Operation Loneliest Day Ever : Mission Successful.

What are they? I guess we all have our own definition as to what they are, or at least what they mean to US. For some it may be enjoying a nice meal with a loved one. For others it may be the ability to sleep in after a long weekend of binge drinking during the super bowl.

But for me its all the small things that we, the privileged generation, may take for granted. Staying in and talking with somebody all night long. Random acts of kindness help people smile. Knowing that you made somebody’s life a little brighter today. The small things. I yearn for these moments, A LOT. More so than I did a year ago when I was back home in Fremont. Those moments spent with loved ones were some of the brightest days in my life. But now, I  lack those moments. Simply because all of my loved ones are back home. I mean I do now have some friends out here that I do truly care about,  but its not the same. I want what I don’t have.

Do people even realize what they have? Are these ‘finer points’ boring to them? Because to the spectator, me, they are AMAZING!

Going to the beach with friends and just fucking around. Watching the sun set. Going to an amusement park out of whim with your best friend just because you want to check out the girls. (Yes me and Steven would buy season passes, and go before we started work at like 6.) Either way, whenever I hear stories of people watching a whole series in a day, or sun bathing on the roof tops of Brooklyn, I think to myself.  Why aren’t I doing that shit. I mean I dont do much with my days. I wake up, eat, play video games, perhaps take the dog out, then continue to play video games, and then get wasted. So lately , ive been doing my best to try and make the most out of my days. Wether it be cooking 3 meals a day from scratch, or reading a book I purchased back in junior high. These minor things are what makes life worth living.

Seeing people enjoy their life, and getting rid of all of their problems is astonishing. I have friends who really live their days like its their last, and let me tell you. Those are some of the best days i’ve spent out here in NY.

Basically what im trying to say is enjoy those small things that make you happy. Spend time with those you love and with those you want to love. And live life.

Well well well, if it isnt for the infamous blog. Man, i havent seen this shit in a WHILE. Why? I have no clue. I stopped with the whole image thing, but i will try to have more of that sooner than later.

As most of you know, ive been trying a lot with the whole verbal blogging rather than just the visual aspect. So, here I am. Why the sudden re-interest? Lets just say i’ve found some mere inspiration. When this inspiration becomes something bigger, ill explain exactly what it is. But til then, lets just say its all in the clouds.

Anything new? YES! I work at a bar in the lower east side, Karma. After losing my job at Galapagos, i’ve been relaxin to the MAXXIN. Much deserved, but its time to get back to my grind. Hopefully I can get this other job as a barista in the city. Actually right next to bar job. Seriously, next door.

Tomorrow, weather permitting, ill be heading to the local cafe for that inspirational writing coffee they serve, made with real writers!

till next time. im off to bed.

So for a while now I have been searching for a job non-stop. Wether it be bartending, waiter, or any of the sort. Luckily, I received a phone call from a lovely lady who said she would like to meet with me for an interview. Excitedly  I did everything I could do to prepare. I googled the cafe, checked its yelp reviews, and even found its website. Upon looking at the website, there were few pictures on there, most of them being of the staff at work, the barista, and what not. Yelp gave them 3.5 stars which isn’t really bad for a small neighborhood cafe.

In order to make sure I looked good for the interview,I did a fully body cleanse. I cut my nails and made them pretty, brushed my teeth for like an hour, and cut my hair I had to shave my head! I wanted to grow it out for the brutal winter I am currently enduring, but I guess it was for the best.

Now, As I walked to the cafe, I was truly nervous, so I had to chill out somehow. So I paced back and forth and did this.

I noticed that all the workers there, as well as the people eating were all black. Thinking nothing of it, I went in there and put my balls to the wall.  I went in there and had my interview which by the way, went fucking amazing. I blew their minds with all of my well thought out answers to their very standard questions. Now to the reason why I mentioned why they were all black. I believe the only reason I got the interview was because they thought I was black. If you know me, my name is James Brown. Brown being a very popular name for black people. Although it was originally from the English / Scottish regions, its the 5th most popular surname in America. I guess im not so unique after all.

Anyways, I found this to be a GREAT possibility as to why I got called in. Although its very unlikely that I will be getting the job, I will have to give them the benefit of the doubt, and hope they just aren’t racist motherfuckers.

Lets cross the fingers, Good luck me.

As I do my daily cafe coffee time, I was talking to a good friend of mine, Erick. He was bragging about how he loves his iPad. He said that he feels like Tom Cruise in Minority Report. I attempted to correct him by saying it was Matt Damon, turns out i was thinking of Bourne Identity. Before he signed out to do his daily grind, he said that Tom Cruise shits on Matt Damon. So I figured that I should write about this, and do a comparison.

Tom Cruise.

Well, where is one to start? Perhaps with his amazing blockbusters. Top Gun (1986), Jerry Maguire (1996), and Mission Impossible (1996) just to name a few. With 3 Academy awards, and 3 Golden Globes, he is an amazing actor. I mean AMAZING. To be able to act like you are really in love with Katie Holmes, just astonishing. Anyways, with his reputable background in action/drama films, he does have somewhat of a comedic side. With his notorious role in Tropic Thunder as Les Grossman, the talent agent.

In his early career, he and Mimi Rogers got married, but divorced 3 years later. That same year he married the actress, Nicole Kidman and they have 2 adopted children. In 2005, he then met and married Katie Holmes. They had a child Suri who is a child of Scientology. Speaking of Scientology, Tom is a huge advocate of the religion and strongly believes that his belief helped cure his so called “dyslexia”. There is one con, the guy can’t fucking read. Atleast this way I can bash the fuck out of him and know that he will never read this.

Tom Cruise is a great actor, and an overall great person (not that i’ve ever met him) but there is something about him that makes me HATE HIM. I really don’t know why. I mean I will always appreciate all of his movies and his great acting skills, but for some reason, there is this deep down hate for the guy. Maybe its because he is so successful and old. The man was born in ’62 and still looks like he is 30.

Now lets get down to his physical attributes. He is a VERY short man. I mean, so small he has to shop at baby gap, and Kids ‘r’ us. He is a little man, but that doesn’t deem him unworthy of the protagonist role, jumping over burning cars, shooting down enemies, and defusing bombs. He is a very athletic badass, who would chug beers before his football games in high school. As you can see in his Les Grossman persona, he is buff as shit. With forearms like those, you can crush the faces of babies in a matter of seconds! Les Grossman the baby crusher.

Matt Damon.

First off let me clear all of this semen that just came out of my penis. Im not gay, but if I was I would do everything to have Matt Damon sit on my face. He is just so fucking handsome. I mean, LOOK AT HIM.

Lets start with his blockbusters. Goodwill Hunting(1997), The Departed(2007), The Bourne Identity (2002), and Oceans Eleven(2001). Although he has no where as much awards as Tom Cruise does, he is still an amazing actor. His roles in every film has just added to his superior ability to amaze his viewers. In Oceans Eleven, he played the somewhat dorky, nerd who was never going to be anything else. In Bourne Identity, he plays a badass who needs to recover his memory  from his amnesia by merkin niggas in the face. And in  The Departed, he plays a double agent whose need to succeed and prove people wrong gets the best of him. And like Tom Cruise, he has a comedic side, not as crazy, but its there. His small role in Eurotrip and his plentiful interviews on youtube prove that he does have a great sense of humor.

This guy went to Harvard, but sadly did not graduate. He dropped out to follow his dream in acting, and well, we can all see how that went. He is now one of the greatest actors of all time according to iluhdatshit.com movie critics.

Three kids? DAMON HAS THREE KIDS? AND THEY LIVE IN MANHATTAN? I need to be his baby sitter so I can get one step closer to him sitting on my face. Wait… This handsome young man is married to Luciana Bozán Barroso, who is a nobody. None the less, she is one lucky woman.

Now to that hot bod. His shortness puts him on the same boat as Tom, BUT, he is buff as shit. With his daily workout consisting of military training techniques, he keeps himself in tip top condition. If there were to be a celebrity boxing match between Damon and Cruise, Damon would knock his ass out and put him back in the wheelchair which he came from.

OK OK OK decision time, Its not up to me because I am completely biased. Damon wins hands down. So its up to you, the readers to pick who is the greater of the two.  I leave this to you. Hopefully the three people that read this know who to choose.

First off, let me start by saying that this is possibly one of the craziest films I have seen in a long time. This mans pure neglect for human life is astonishing, in a bad way.

The movie is about a Bill Williamsons (Brendan Fletcher) “answer” to a question risen by his close friend, Evan Drince (Shaun Sipos). “There are more then 70,000 people entering this world every year sucking up all of our natural resources. There has to be a way to like, get rid of all of these people to allow us, the givers, to live our lives”  Thats when all hell breaks loose.

Bill has been hearing this same rant from Evan for weeks on end, and finally has figured that he is going to do something about it. There is only one true way to “rid” of people, and that is… well… death. Exactly what Bill does.

Bill in no way was a violent kid in high-school. He didn’t turn to violent video games, nor movies to release his anger to. He was just a high-school burn out living with his parents, who want him to move into his own place. He worked as a mechanic in the local car shop in which he would work on clients cars, as well as his. Living the average life of a post high-school graduate.

For weeks, he has been plotting a way for him to start this long and painful process. Through the magic of the internet, he purchases and builds a fucking bullet proof suit that makes him like a modernized samurai.  Shit just goes ham from there. A full out, blood engulfed, bullet flying, death bringing, no survivor, Columbine, killing-spree. But this isn’t your average, low-life, uneducated rampage. Remember when I said he works on his own cars? He fixed up a van so that way it can be controlled by remote control. This is fully thought out in every aspect. From the weapons he chose to use to the events planned for that day. (which when you watch, will make sense to you)

Bill has no mercy for anybody who he believes doesn’t deserve to live. Anybody from the asshole barista at the gelato shop, to the unfriendly cashier at the Chicken Den. But don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t kill everyone, he spares the old people at the bingo hall.

In the end, the town is in panic, and overwhelmed with this massacre. But Bill is able to watch all of this on the news in evening, with his parents by his side. How? You’ll just have to watch it to see.

And as for him moving out, he does, with all of the money he obtained when he robbed the FUCK out of the town bank.

This is the first of the many iluhdatshit shitty movie reviews. Stick in next week when I review Titanic the musical.

Till next time, take it easy, stay sleazy.